Wednesday, November 30, 2011


Dear Cancer-

People don’t typically miss you. I've tossed a thought around for about a week, and finally came to a conclusion this morning in my local coffee shop.  The shop was swimming with people; all wrapped up in their D.C. lives. I wondered how many of them have dealt with you. How many killed you, cried over you or laughed through you. And then, the thought swept through my head again..."I miss cancer."

As my best friend would say, "WTF, Candice?!"  I know, it's actually insane and crazy to miss you.  Why would someone ever miss the intense fear that comes with you? Why would anyone miss being sick, or littered with medications?  Every time I thought it, I shook my head in disgust at where my brain was going. And then this morning, it came to me.

I don't miss you, specifically. I miss the powerful adrenaline that comes with fighting something. I miss the intense, overwhelming thrill of putting every fiber of my being towards accomplishing something. I miss the drive to live against a threat I can't control. For a year of my life when I opened my eyes, I pushed towards defeating you. For a year of my life when I walked down the street, I made fun of you in my mind. For a year of my life, I showed others what it's like to live through you. It was the most empowering experience of my existence, and I miss it.

So, WTF! I don't miss you. I'm now ADDICTED to what comes from conquering you.

Wuv you-

1 comment:

  1. Hi Candice!

    I saw your story on ABC 7 and had to write. I'm a 37-year-old mother of two wonderful little boys and, you've probably guessed already, fighting breast cancer. I am ER/PR negative, HER-2 equivocal but responding to Herceptin. Last Thursday, after five cycles of chemo, a follow-up mammogram and sonogram showed NO EVIDENCE of the tumor and involved lymphondes. I know you understand how overwhelmed I am with gratitude and relief.

    Throughout this horrible ordeal, I've taken the greatest comfort in reading about other women's success stories. THANK YOU for being so courageous and sharing yours. Like you, I am actually GRATEFUL for this horrendous experience: It's forced me to take a hard look at my life and make significant changes to live the life I want for me and my boys.

    I'm running Race for the Cure, too, even though I will be one week out from my final chemo and probably exhausted as can be. See you there! After that it's surgery and radiation.

    Congratulations on your wedding. Wishing you the best of luck and health!